FINISHED

I want my results now. Please.

I don't know when or how I get them because that would be too helpful and would mean I didn't go into shock whenever I received a phonecall/e-mail/letter. There is a rumour that we'll get them at 'the end of June' but, based on previous experience, that could mean sometime now or it could mean August. Aaaaargh.

50%

The work I am handing in on Monday will determine half of my degree. HALF. 50%. I used to bleat on about how great it was that nothing counted until the final year, but that now seems like a REALLY STUPID way of doing things.

Anyway, whether I like it or not, after Monday I'll be halfway there - I can't decide whether to be worried or relieved. Somehow in the last few weeks I have managed to write the required nine essays and my dissertation. But there have of course been mistakes along the way, some of which I have only recently identified. Some highlights:

- "According to Aristotle’s conception of matter and form, the bricks are the houses’s matter for they have the potential to become a house"

- In a paper about Churchland: "we are generally able to make accurate predictions of others' behaviour, Chuchill notes" 

- "we will one day recognise that we are mistake." 

and, my favourite:

- "we are still left with the issue of how functionalism can explain those mental states which do not appear to have a migraine" yeah, tricky that one...

Thinking about the fact there will be people who are still at the drafting stage terrifies me. HOW WILL THEY FIX THE ERRORS? Philosophers hate inaccuracy, and I fear I would receive no degree at all if I handed in papers with the above mistakes (NB this is not actually true, I would get a degree but would be forever mortified).

Radio 3 has helpfully decided that 23rd-30th March is Schubert season. This coincided with my getting fed up of all music I own that doesn't have words, so I have learnt a LOT about Schubert, and also confirmed that no, I do not like opera. 

I have also learnt that my preferred length for an undergrad philosophy essay is 2,700 words. Our word limit is 2,500. 

At this point I know I'm going to finish (barring any kind of huge disaster, but I've hopefully avoided this by backing up everything a million times, saving a new draft every time I change a word, and constantly e-mailing files to myself) so I'm now mired in IT'SNOTGOODENOUGH,  MAYBEICANADDINMORESECONDARYREADINGS, and MAYBEISHOULDDOTHEEXAMINSTEAD. Urgh. 

I'm also completely ignoring everything that isn't a dissertation or a presubmission so am probably being even more annoying than normal :)

 

Moose.

I haven't been doing a very good job of updating this, but nor have the people I tasked with shouting at me if I didn't prove I was working. 

I have finally reached the notworkingfulltime section of my 4th year. Couldn't come soon enough. I don't know how, but I've managed to do the whole essay a week thing. In fact, I think I'm the only person who has (despite the fact most people are doing a part-time degree and nothing else...). However, it has nearly killed me. So I have taken issue with the fact other people are trying to get their essays looked at now because they couldn't be bothered to do one a week. Hmmph.

Anyway, I have now handed in the first of my draft presubmissions for comment - a philosophy of language essay on Kripke's puzzle about belief. The puzzle itself is pretty easy to understand, but I had to go and pick the impossible responses to write about. I really have no idea how good/bad it is and this is the first and last time someone who actually know what they're talking about will look at it. Given I wouldn't say the lecturers on it were very illuminating, this is particularly worrying.


However, the draft I'm doing today on Russell's theory of definite descritpions is definitely worse. I understand the objections, I understand the main points of Russell's theory. I just don't understand how to answer my essay question. Which I picked myself. Great.


Every time I mention philosophy of language to a tutor they respond with "ooh, that's a very difficult area". Why someone didn't tell me this before I chose it as an option, I don't know. I keep hoping maybe these presubs will be the worst and so it's actually good because I've got them out of the way. Then I remember I also have to presub for greek philos. Joy. The only thing worse than philosophy of language has to be Plato.


In addition, I'm completely freaking out over what to do about postgrad study. I have some vague, probably ridiculous ideas for what I want to focus on, and that's it. I'm back to thinking it's impossible to have any original thought in philosophy. Hmm. 

There is also snow in London, which I have missed completely.

The Fear

At the beginning of this, my final year, we had an introductory talk from our course tutor. He told us about what to expect and so on, and then about 'the fear'. At some stage, he said, every one of the people in my year is going to get the fear, when they realise that this is IT. Four years of hard work coming to and end. Or, the terror when you realise that - because my course is old school - nothing, yes nothing, has counted so far and everything rests on how well you perform over the next few months. 

Well, this morning I woke up with what can only be described as the fear. A feline representation of this is as follows: 

I have, as I knew I would, developed the fear too early so that it is terrifying me but not motivating me. You have to develop the fear close to (but not too close to) deadline day (April)  and exam season (May/June). However, I have it now. In January. So, all I am doing is running around panicking about how much there is to do in what now seems like very, very little time and reminding myself I don't seem to know anything at all about philosophy. By now I was supposed to be coming up with amazing reasons for why Plato's theory of the Forms is nonsense. Surprisingly, I'm not quite there. 

My attempt to remedy the fear (or at least squash it down until a more appropriate time) is going to be to make myself a timetable. I'm sure this will work, assuming I can find time to devise it. I have a lot of panicking to do.

Anyway, despite the fact this all sounds very bleak, I have actually managed to do some work over the past couple of days. I have now done 1 and 3/4 of my ethics essays for this term (again, these count for nothing! You'd think I'd work on something which had a point, but no). I have also established I will not have to be working a full-time job and writing 5,000 words a week, which is also good. And last week I did manage to write some of my dissertation. I will probably delete all of it as it's highly likely to be nonsense, but still.


However, there is still a lot to do. Including my philosophy of language pre-submissions. Which do count. This may be one of the reasons I appear not to be doing them.